{"id":28386,"date":"2025-02-01T00:11:43","date_gmt":"2025-02-01T08:11:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/?p=28386"},"modified":"2025-01-31T14:47:11","modified_gmt":"2025-01-31T22:47:11","slug":"if-it-will-ever-get-better","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/if-it-will-ever-get-better\/","title":{"rendered":"If It Will Ever Get Better\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>\u201cIf it will ever get better, it will surely get worse.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p><iframe title=\"Reverse Abortion\" width=\"740\" height=\"555\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/HVWLX1zIJ14?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>I wrote that lyric back in 2010 for a song called <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lindsaywhitemusic.com\/lyrics\/reverse-abortion\">Reverse Abortion<\/a>. I had just come out to my very Christian, very homophobic mother. Her response not only led to my decision to write that song, which gutted her, but also to set very strong boundaries in our relationship. This led to a years-long estrangement. Then she got diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, which led to a reunion of sorts, but not necessarily a reconciliation. Then she died, which led to unimaginable grief and anger, which led to a spiritual reckoning, which led to me conjuring her through mediumship (you read that right), which led to intrusive thoughts and something resembling mania and PTSD. Through all that (sweat emoji), I emerged with an incredible child, a healed relationship with my mother, an opportunity to break patterns of generational trauma, and a deeper understanding of, like, the meaning of life. It only took like a decade and a half, but I guess you could say I called it. It did get better. But not before it got worse.<\/p>\n<div class=\"story-images\">\n<div id=\"attachment_28388\" style=\"width: 1090px\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-28388\" class=\"size-full wp-image-28388\" src=\"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Lindsay-and-mom.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1080\" height=\"1080\" srcset=\"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Lindsay-and-mom.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Lindsay-and-mom-160x160.jpg 160w, https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Lindsay-and-mom-240x240.jpg 240w, https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Lindsay-and-mom-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Lindsay-and-mom-768x768.jpg 768w, https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Lindsay-and-mom-80x80.jpg 80w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-28388\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Me and my mom.<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>I\u2019m thinking about that lyric and that experience as this country enters into what I\u2019m sure will be a grueling several years. (I\u2019m holding out hope for four or less, but you know how cheating, lying, egomaniacal dictators be dictating these days). I need some kind of reminder that the juice is worth the squeeze, ya know? I understand I\u2019m not really using that expression in the same way most people do. In this context, it\u2019s not about hard work paying off. It\u2019s about finding some nugget of clarity or purpose in a pile of shitty shit. It\u2019s about clinging to some sliver of hope that something resembling resolve or meaning will arise out of all <em>*gestures at everything*<\/em> this.<\/p>\n<p>I swear to God, every time I try to give myself one of those \u201cnew year, new me\u201d pep talks about having a positive outlook, focusing on my realm of influence, and keeping my side of the street clean, the world gets all the more dumpster fiery, and all the ash and debris mucks up my mental gutters whether I like it or not. I know I\u2019m not alone. Everyone seems stressed. Sad. Broke. Busy. Exhausted. Anxious. Angry. Overwhelmed. Overstimulated. Dysregulated. Isolated. Numb.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m typing this all out on Jan 20, aka inauguration day, which also happens to be my late husband\u2019s birthday, which probably explains my emo sensibilities. The whole weekend was a tilt-a-whirl of grief and political theatre: <a href=\"https:\/\/apnews.com\/article\/gaza-ceasefire-trump-biden-israel-hamas-0e6c324ba0e3e9413bafe740fdefebc6\">hypocritical warmongers taking ceasefire credit<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/abcnews.go.com\/Business\/tiktok-restoring-service\/story?id=117857636\">TikTok sending creepy-ass Valentines to Trump<\/a>, and (<em>this just in)<\/em> <a href=\"https:\/\/time.com\/7208614\/elon-musk-nazi-salute-reactions-debate-controversy-adl-trump-inauguration\/\">two full-chested Nazi salutes from Elon Musk<\/a>. It\u2019s too much.<\/p>\n<p>I think back to the 2016 election when I was dumbfounded by white women voting against their own interests. 2020, when I was disappointed by people who couldn\u2019t understand the concept of community care or Black lives mattering. 2021, when I was infuriated by sore losers cosplaying as \u201cpatriots.\u201d 2023-24-25, when I was sickened by and ashamed of an entire world of everyday people across all parties who could not only stomach but celebrate, justify, and\/or ignore a full-blown live-streamed genocide funded by American taxpayers. It\u2019s <em>been<\/em> too much.<\/p>\n<p>On and on it sadly goes, not by the year, but by the minute, and the only hint of juice (zest?) I can even sense along the way is that I have become more radical, aka compassionate, in my solidarity with people all over the world and more resistant to the propagandizing greasy billionaires and politicians who would sooner see everyone around them displaced, discarded, disenfranchised, or dead than let a little love and learning into their money-grubbing lives. It\u2019s juice nonetheless, I guess, but it goes down bitter and leaves me <em>very <\/em>parched, coming at the expense of hundreds of thousands of lives and all. I don\u2019t think it will ever feel worth the squeeze until we can all get out from underneath the squeezers once and for all. How do we do that? I haven\u2019t a GD clue, I\u2019m too squozen. So for now, I\u2019ll keep trying to give myself that ol\u2019 pep talk while hanging on for dear life to music, lyrics, my sweet little family, and the dull-knife hope that <em>\u201cIf it will ever get better, it will surely get worse.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>On Deck at Songwriter Sanctuary<br \/>\n<\/strong>On a much lighter note, yawannaknow what does get better without getting worse? Songwriter Sanctuary, that\u2019s what. Our 2025 season is now underway, and you\u2019re not going to want to miss this month\u2019s lineup. I know for a fact that it\u2019s gonna cure what ails me for at least a couple hours. Join us?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Friday, February 28<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/rebeccajade.com\/\">Rebecca Jade<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/nubellahoney\/\">Nubella Honey<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/ashtheauthor.com\/\">Ash the Author<\/a><\/p>\n<p>All events are hosted in partnership with\/at Normal Heights United (4650 Mansfield Street, San Diego, CA 92116). Special thanks to Duck Foot Brewing and our sister series Writers Round San Diego! More info\/RSVP at <a href=\"http:\/\/tinyurl.com\/songwriter-sanctuary-sd\">tinyurl.com\/songwriter-sanctuary-sd<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><em>Thanks for Talkin\u2019 Craft with me!<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cIf it will ever get better, it will surely get worse.\u201d I wrote that lyric back in 2010 for a song called Reverse Abortion. I had just come out to my very Christian, very homophobic mother. Her response not only led to my decision to write that song, which gutted her, but also to set very strong boundaries in our relationship. This led to a years-long estrangement. Then she got diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, which led to a reunion of sorts, but not necessarily a reconciliation. Then she died, which led to unimaginable grief and anger, which led to a spiritual reckoning, which led to me conjuring her through mediumship (you read that right), which led to intrusive thoughts and something resembling mania and PTSD. Through all that (sweat emoji), I emerged with an incredible child, a healed relationship with my mother, an opportunity to break patterns of generational [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":26927,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[183],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28386","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-talkin-craft"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28386","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28386"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28386\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28392,"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28386\/revisions\/28392"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/26927"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28386"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28386"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sandiegotroubadour.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28386"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}